Note: Based on a true story.
I cannot let go…I will not let go…Lord, please!
by: Love’s Legato
She loves him. She loves him and will not let him go. Never mind that he was no longer hers to have: has not been for over three years. Never mind that he has moved on, or the fact that he has a girlfriend or the fact that he simply was not hers to love. She loves him still and will not let him go. Yet, how could she? He was her high school sweetheart. Her first boyfriend. Her first kiss. Her first everything….well, not everything. There is one thing she determined would be her husband’s and her husband’s alone. However, that is beside the point. Point is, she loves him. She loves him and will not let him go. Never mind that he simply was not hers to love. Not since she broke his heart. Not hers since she left him for another guy. Not hers for a very, very long time. Until….
One day he became hers to have.
He and his girlfriend had recently broken up and he began to text her again. They began to spend long hours talking and texting each other. The old flame started to flicker until it became a full raging fire again. Both agree that they want to give each other a chance again. So, they agree to spend his birthday weekend together to see if the attraction was still there. For her, it was. Gosh! Why won’t her heart stop skipping overtime whenever he walks into the room? Why won’t her breath stop catching every time he looks her way or speaks to her? No matter what she said to herself; no matter how hard she tried not to; no matter how hard she berated herself; the unthinkable happened…..she fell in love with him: all. over. again.
This time over it was a hard fall. Not the “sweep me off my feet” type fall. No. It was a fall she saw coming but could not reach out and break the fall. Thus, she fell head first – hard. Everything she had was his: well, not everything. Yet, for him, it was not so. At first, he thought he could do this again. Oh! How he wished he could! But, the old hurt came back. The memories of how she left him; how she broke up with him; how she seemingly stomped on his heart and moved on came rushing back to him: hitting him like a ton of bricks.
So, he rejected her.
He stopped calling. He stopped texting, He always seemed “too busy” to talk. He too moved on and left her wondering where is he? Why has he stopped calling/texting in the mornings? Why does he seem uninterested to talk? Days went by and there is no sign of him. No calls. No text. Her heart is breaking and she is wondering, what happened? Was it something she said? She did? Why is he giving her one-word responses? She tries not to blow up his phone but, man! How she wish he would talk to her. Say something, anything, to her. She has reached a point where she can’t sleep; can’t eat and literally can’t-do anything…..but pray.
So, she prayed. One early Sunday morning, even before the birds woke up and started their singing, she left her apartment, locked the door, walked down the stairs towards the apartment pool complex. She walked determinedly and solemnly with her Bible and hymnal at hand. Completing her morning devotion and after singing a few songs, she bowed her head in prayer and sat in silence. No words would come out. She starts to feel a knot rising to her throat, and starts to fight a losing battle with her tears.
she whispers. “Please. I love him so much. I want him and only him. Please, I can’t let go…I will not let go…Lord, please!” She sits there with her Bible laid open on her lap, eyes closed, and tears marathoning down her cheeks. Her nose is stuffy and starts to leak, her Bible pages begin to be stained with her tears, yet, she sat there, eyes closed, with tears marathoning down her face-pleading, “Lord, please” for an unmeasurable amount of time. She sat there praying the unconventional prayer. Not the “Let Thy will be done” prayer. No. The “I” prayer: “I want him. I love him. I want to be with him. Please” prayer. Until….
She surrendered the only way she knew how: by telling God, “I will not let go of him. You know I want him. So, if he is not mine to have YOU Lord have to end this because I am NOT going to end it.” As far left from “Let Thy Will Be Done” that prayer was, God nonetheless accepted it as “Let Thy Will Be Done” and answered that prayer that night. She missed him and could not take the silence anymore. She did not have to. He texted her. He texted her simply stating that he no longer wants to be with her and its over. For good. She was shocked and flabbergasted. No amount of pleading for him to call her and speak this thing out with her would do. He refused to call. She refused to text.
He texted goodbye.
She cried the hardest she has ever cried in her life that night. She called her sister and instead of words coming out she just cried and cried and cried. No amount of asking, pleading or trying could word be coaxed out of her mouth. So, in solitary silence, her sister just stayed on the phone with her as she cried inconsolably.